Lovely Picture

I love this picture. I can't stop looking at it. It's Moira Shearer, what a gorgeous gorgeous picture! I was staring at it for so long maybe it is because of Black Dog* that I was staring at it for so long and also I'm not really doing anything just fart-arsing around. I want to listen to David Bowie again but it might call Black Dog* and he musn't come. He who is a stealer of Things. things precious and decent. He comes with a whistle, a special whistle that only I know and he knows.

*He who cannot be named.

Black Dog Fear Follows Fast White Paw Run

Black dog fear follows fast on a white paw.

I don't want to be a victim in my own right here. Please. Save me Jupiter.

Fastest Painting Ever

This is the fastest painting I ever did. This is a photo of it before it's finished though. I mean it's not finished. It's on Titus' wall though he is not talking to me. He always gets like this and i hate it. He says he's going to paint over it (it's a mural). I think my dad wants to use the PC.

Swampland

These are the lyrics from a song from Swampland. I really like it. Courtesy of Truism (he will know who he is for he lives in Switzerland as well). It's supposed to be written in verse but when I copied and pasted it, it might not be in original format:

Blue Moon
Hang around in closing circles hey come here it's somewhere to go
Hang around feeling more or less like these pictures are of you
Sympathy for empty spaces
Out of mind can't let it show
Being accused of being selfish
But you give me nothing
Hang around in closing circles hey come here it's somewhere to go
Hang around feeling more or less like these pictures are of you
Oh so you say you've seen me losing well that's too bad you missed the show
oh so you lost that sinking feeling and without down there's nowhere to go
You got nowhere to go, nowhere to go.
Sympathy for empty spaces
Out of mind can't let it show
Being accused of being selfish
But you give me nothing
Don't take me down to your mattress dear
I'm out on the town without a clue
Take me upstairs with a breath of air
You're giving nothing but diagrams to me
Diagrams of you.

Blue Screams of Death

i love this band, they're from Switzerland and very experimental. Great cover art on their CD too.

Spiky

This is Spiky. He is not doing well in captivity. He was brought from Botriver but I think half-died on the way home. We think he may be suffering from Plant AIDS. Yes Plant AIDS. (sorry the picture is the wrong way around). I am thinking about spray-painting him green.

Thursday

Well, I went to sleep with the radio on and I woke up holding Botty the Bear. I guess that is a bit sad. Anyway I woke up with a sore body as usual. And today is VERY hot. Of course I think about using, it is a delicious little fantasy I sometimes have. But I'm not going to mess it up now. This is so important to me and everyone around me I have to remember that. I'm eating a tomato sauce sandwich.

Shit I need Good Luck Bear

I'm still up and it's 02:52am. Well this is Good Luck Bear.

One of Those

Yes i can see it's going to be one of THOSE. Where I go to sleep but only if the radio is on. then i wake up at about 5am and switch it off. I don't really NEED it on and under normal circumstances I CAN'T sleep if the radio IS on. Yes, whatever. anyway that's what's going to happen sooner or later. I guess this is my last post. tomorrow starts the real test. Oh golly! Oh my golly!

Botty the Bear

This is Botty the Botriver Bear. He is doing very well in captivity, he really was in a state when we rescued him. He had what looked like shit on him but it was just mud luckily. My mom said I could put him in the washing machine - he would've needed a general anaesthetic for that which I don't have stock of - luckily coz I would use it on myself right now - anyway he couldn't fit into the washing machine and so I had to bath him and scrub him. After stapling his head but he didn't mind that so much. After I washed him his muzzle still stank but it was just a bit moff now it's gone away. And the eye transplant went very well as you can see. He now has 80% vision in his pink eye and 88% vision in the blue one. he's adapting well here at Ward 9.

Bedtime

This is always really difficult for me. To come down and be normal again. I must put that photo of Botty the Bear on before I go. i hope i can keep up my enthusiasm about staying clean, I am nervous it will fade as the high does. Well i put this picture of a sleeping penguin to help me. I came down coz I took 2 diazapams. that's 40mg, you know I'm not supposed to be taking that. Yes that's right, I'm not. Oh...and I need a cigarette and I can't handle those stairs now....maybe I will have one at the window coz that's what Tintin does. so it's only fair right? It is so hard to write about myself so candidly on a thing that is published on the web even though I know no one will read it. I just ate a piece of bread with jam on it and I took that Trepiline I found on the floor and 2 Mianserins and 2 Zolpimed/derm whatever. I know it's odd I found a trepiline on the bedroom floor, my cell floor...no I shouldn't call it that...well while I was SWEEPING this morning, so ENERGETIC. Hint hint. I guess I will just sit here and type until I run out of energy completely. Or maybe I will hang on till the very last absolute LAST. Maybe I will have a cigarette in my room, (how evil I know, I repent) then I will come back here and write another fucked up post. Ok not fucked up just rambly. No I will come back really, I can see this is going to be a tough one, but goodness shall prevail. He sayeth! Shit...

Talisman

My love Talisman standing in front of his mum's house in Maidenhead, UK. Dunx I love you !!

dear smallest memory I can remember

By Kristen Orser
dear smallest memory i can barely remember,
headed farmward again with a layer of soap under my nails. next to a dying cherry tree i can start to put everything together–how easy. i know it’s probably my fault the branches are infected: i touched too much and i stuck a pin through it, thinking that best.
(i am happy you are happy.) do you think the tomatoes will bear fruit after julian smoked next to them? do you think the pepper plant will just keep getting taller? the sage is doing well and if you come over i can make something of it. (i am really thrilled you are thrilled.)
last night i fell asleep before i started thinking about anything. i slept for twelve hours. and when i woke up it was a new day that felt like the same day that felt nothing like the day i was expecting. don’t be afraid that i’m not sleeping or eating. it’s easy enough to pretend wakefulness and i pinch my cheeks. when nobody is looking, i pinch hard enough to bruise.
(i might say miss you when i am saying how good the fresh corn is this time of year.) have you seen the flower i put in the lightbulb and how all the moths think it is something divine? have you seen the child i never had, the one that fell off the second story porch in the storm yesterday? he had, in his mouth, the whole day we spent lying in bed.

Clean Day

Today is my first clean day. I decided I'm not even going to take Granpa's or Lenapain. So that is what this site is all about! It suddenly has meaning! Only to me, coz no one will read it I hope. Why don't I just write in a book? Well, it's easier to type and then you see it published and it looks real. Like reality. Besides I do write in a book as well. I decided I am going to delete my photo so as to remain anonymous.

Titus came by and he's still visibly upset, I felt horribly guilty even though there were a lot of flappings last night, the bat count was high, density - thick. Now he has taken a photo of some desk thingy that he might sell so as to get some money. He doesn't even have cigarettes! That is bad - for Titus. I only have 2 left and Tintin is here. Tintin is going to Knynsa on Tuesday I think. Why don't I just go with?

The poem for today is from the anti poetry site again, I hope it's in proper format.

It's not Tuesday It's Wednesday

This is officially now my lame blog and i just wanted to say to anyone who's reading this (no one) that the time of the posting is all wrong. I'm on South African time and it's not Tuesday it's Wednesday already. I was just wondering what kind of person reads other people's blogs (except their own friends (probably forced out of politeness)). Actually that's a good point because I was scrolling through the blogs. It's a bit irritating when I get one in Italian or Spanish. What else is new? Oh my best friend hates me. Two: I have no friends actually. Three: I'm a drug addict. No that's not new. I really hope no one is reading this. Why shouldn't I admit I am an addict? It's true. It's heart-breakingley, terribly TRUE. You saw my little thing about methamphetamine. It's BAD. Ok, this we know and i want another cigarette but don't want to go - it makes too much noise -but i can smell the people opposite us in #8 smoking. They smoke A LOT. I'm sure i can smell their smoke but maybe I'm imagining it. Maybe I'm getting smelling hallucinations. You see, you don't only get auditory and visual hallucinations you also get smelling ones, I don't know what it's called. But I read if you're schitzophrenic (can't spell it sorry) you sometimes smell a 'gas' kind of smell, weird i know. Please excuse me if you are schitzophrenic and I'm wrong. Well I didn't claim I'm an expert.

This on the left is BAD, bad bad bad. It's the chemical structure of methamphetamine. <-it's evil I swear, it will steal every single thing you have AWAY from you including your soul, ravaged and torn as it will be. I have to look at this every day when I get up so that i remember not to do it and when I start entertaining evil thoughts about it I will remember that it is bad and a Stealer of Things. I pray to God to help me with this - there I even published it on my blog and I'm NOT a blogger. it is very lonesome at 02:37am in the morning but I persevere. I laugh in the face of adversity. Not really but I try. I'm a bit embarrassed to post this but anyway.

(I tried to comment on my own post but that's just sad, and you actually can't comment on your own post.)

I'm Deranged by David Bowie

Funny how secrets travel
I'd start to believe if I were to bleed
Thin skies, the man chains his hands held high
Cruise me blond
Cruise me babe
A blond belief beyond beyond beyond
No return No return
I'm deranged
Deranged my love
I'm deranged down down down
So cruise me babe cruise me baby
[CHORUS]And the rain sets in
It's the angel-man
I'm deranged
Cruise me cruise me cruise me babe
The clutch of life and the fist of love
Over your headBig deal Salaam
Be real deranged Salaam
Before we reel
I'm deranged Cruise me cruise me cruise me babeI'm deranged

Oh My Black Soul

Oh my black Soule! Now thou art summoned
By sicknesse, deaths herald, and champion;
Thou art like a pilgrim, which abroad hath done
Treason, and durst not turne to whence hee is fled,
Or like a thiefe, which till deaths doome be read,
Wisheth himselfe deliverd from prison;
But damn'd and hal'd to execution,
Wisheth that sill he might be imprisioned;

Yet grace, if thou repent, thou canst not lacke;
But who shall give thee that grace to beginne?
Oh make thy selfe with holy mourning blacke;
And red with blushing, as thou art with sinne;
Or wash thee in Christ's blood, which hath this might
That being red, it dyes red soules to white.

-John Donne

Tuesday

Sitting at Titus' house. going for a swim. Quite humid today.

THIS BLOG IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION

This blog is always under construction!!! I'm still on this bloody computer even though my neck is aching. I put some Diclohexal gel on it but it doesn't help that much. I've got knots! See the poem I put on the blog, I really dig it - it's the poem for today.
Tomorrow is the start of Burn Johnny Burn. Subscribers will know what this means and how important it is. This is IT. This is the big one. Is everybody ready? I guess I am as ready as I'll ever be. I took some Mianserin but they're the small ones, I don't even know how many I took - tee hee - not that many. Im sore and I've still got to type that email to HB. God. Why can't she just stop her crap? I'm hungry but not really - I don't want to eat the steak pie in the fridge coz I don't really like to eat red meat coz I'm supposed to be stopping eating meat.
I must work on my secret poem. One last thing, I hope i don't have too much malaise now that Johnny has left. I'm talking in code again.

Anti- » Made of Gauze

Anti- » Made of Gauze: "Made of Gauze
My mother, made of gauze, could never be
unveiled, for veils she was, and to be viewed
she must be worn, as oysters wear the sea
around their pearly necks, though born as nude
as teardrops on a cheeky smile, in wrecks
of bone and coral, over collars getting
wet. My mother, softly woven hex
upon a silent story, not regretting,
never passing, only waving, blanket
blanking lovers, love absorbing, warmly
nothing, beautiful as wind, so plank it,
stand in salty air, the plankton forming
dusty pillows, as their cases trail
behind. I’m empty. Let me be your sail."